today was a good day. Didn't start out that way. I met up with Pantaleon, project leader, in San Miguel to build some stoves with Adriano, who didn't show up until hours later and I expressed my frustration because I felt I was often waiting for him. Honestly, there has been a lack of support from Humana when I have needed it lately, well for two months, in fact. They had to let go of like ten or twelve area leaders because of the global financial crisis. It really affects the development industry, esp. when money comes from donors. Charities are the first source of excess funds to get cut. Anyway, that left four people to do the work of fifteen. Four men to reach over 2000 families. So they've been busy and I understand that.
the problem is when we make solid plans adn continuously, there is no follow-thru. Don't say your really going to be somewhere if you know your not, its a waste of time not just for me but for the families...so, lack of support. I said I would fill you in on what I have been doing and here is some: I started the gardening process with 23 of the 25 families, taught to over 400 children about nutrition, HIV/AIDS, dengue/malaria, role models, diabetes/hypertension; planted 150 Moringa trees in the three villages, maintain a garden outside of Child Aids office in Bella Vista, coordinated and held an open day event, where hundreds of famillies came to participate and have a good time, complete with childrens games, football and volleyball tournaments; helped push for and build firewood saving stoves in Indian Creek and San Miguel, and next week, will be overseeing the construction of a playground built at the Indian Creek schoolyard.
The reason I just said that mouthful is because during all of this, I have tried to be a part of the process of movement and flow. I have put forth a mighty effort to see these through because I thought that was what development work was all about. When starting th egardening process in the first month, I was always with the intention of starting up a project that the family would take over themselves. Two and a half months were spent reaching all the familes. Many times, having to come back several times to get anyone involved. Some thought I would come and give them a garden without their having to lift a finger, some had to be scraped off the hammock with a spade to get the leaves needed to build the fence or the wood for the seedbed, some would say next week, next week.....next week. But eventually, fences and seedbeds were made. my schedule said month three was 'Education For All', so I brought a close to the gardening and repeatedly had discussions with people on what to do next.
I have gone to visit the families in the last few weeks to find that almost all of them did not touch their garden past when I last left. The first day, I visited four people and went home and cried for an hour. I was completely blown away...for an hour. At first, my mind raced to find a culprit and I thought thoughts of blame and anger, followed by self-blame. but these things are not it. there were many factors and I have come to the conclusion that there is no fault. If there is fault, it lies with time. Four months is a microscope sample, not enough time to even get your feet wet.
Humana wants results, the project needs results in order to get more funding. But here's the thing: It is not about results, results can be highly misleading. My teammates in the North said at our midway meeting that they had lazy people for their original 25 families and so they traded them in, for new families, families that were interested in the projects and it is true they have had great results. But what about the other families? I don't believe in trading people in for my benefit, not in this case, but I have. I have done it before, not to poverty stricken people but to people in my life, just tossing them aside, so I understand how easy it can be to relieve oneself of personal responsibility...however, in this case, I thought there must be a reason. There must be a reason that someone who wants something does nothing to get it and in fact turns from it once it solidifies as a possibility. I don't know what its like to be poor. Poor in spirit, that I know about, but poverty? For all the judgments I passed in my mind, my conscience wouldn't allow any of them any weight.
I reached the current opinion that I have not understood enough about what life means to the individual people who live it here and I need more time, we need more time to understadn each other and let each other in. That is where the results are to be found, though maybe never adequately measured but that's not my affair. I don't want to trade in the process for the statistic. Statistics can't be made in four months, anyway.
I told Pantaleon that I would not take on any more projects, that the gardening needed to be complete. He has seen the some of the gardens and told people at the meeting that some of them looked 'really bad', which was a humbling experience. What we are after is different and I can handle that. My work does not end here. So, today I was surprised when he asked me to consider a project leader position in Guatemala. He said he and the country director thought I should do it. I turned it down. I do not have the experience I want for an undertaking like that. A project leader has 3000 families under their belt, I am finding it challenging to manage 25:) But I was honestly, flattered a little bit.
So, just a little bit about today and the last few months. I miss my family and friends and I can't wait to come home! P.S. - next wednesday I am celebrating two years of hard earned sobriety, December 9th. I told Pantaleon for the first time today about my alcoholism so now he's having me over to his family's house to celebrate on wednesday. I am so grateful, I did really want to celebrate it. Okay, really, I mean it this time, I'm going. Love you all.
