blackberry pictures

These are like polaroids, since 'they' don't make polaroid film anymore...jerks:) A glimpse into this journey just for you! You can see where I live and my little studio in the breaker room and my team and friends and some places we have been and seen and some of my drawings and beautiful mt. shasta.....and, although it may appear as though I did all this in one day, its just that I wear the same hoodie like everyday because i'm sweet like that:) Enjoy!!!

Life is Beautiful

If I didn't say fundraising is amazing before, I'm saying it now! It is such a powerful tool in accessing human potential. I had this insight this weekend, about how when fundrasing or selling things or generally putting ourselves out there for other poeple, we push ourselves out of our shells and become stronger, only to go back into the shell at the end of the day. It takes some kind of inertia and then our energy is spent and we retire to our level of comfort...

I was thinking about something I read: 'there should be no discrepancy between external appearances and the individual's inner-life. Its the same person, after all.'

Life, as it is, is beautiful and I hope you thought so too, today.
You have the ability to create potential and possibility at any moment

Be the light.

5/13/09

Today is our last day for prep for our first fundraising trip. Statistically, we are in good shape. Four stores booked, accomodations for all, and food for the road. I am excited to get back out there and engage the world at large. Fundrasing is a bit like a worm hole, you get sucked in and all your emotional insides come up to the surface and you say and do things you might not normally do and say because you're being driven by instincts. Then before you know it, the day is over and the blood rush leaves your head and you come back to your senses. This is repeated until the goal is met...not until you have had enough or you are tired or you are angry because you're afraid..until the goal is met.

Its pretty amazing because at first I would feel that overwhelming sensation of energy be all, 'I'm gonna pass out'. But after that experience, I have felt that energy shift and learned to get excited because it means I have the chance to practice being fearless, my favorite thing. The feeling didn't stop feeling as strong or go anywhere, but rather, I accepted its transient nature (which was difficult), and allowed it to be there without struggling.

Anyway, so I'm sure I'll feel like hell, at least until I remember to get outside of myself, and see fundraising as contributing to the flow and having very little to do with me, actually. Then I grow, for you.

I wrote this quote and put it up in my classroom so I will remember..

'When you are down, do something to improve yourself. The world needs your contribution and you can't contribute to relieving the suffering of abused children, or leaderless people, or fearful human beings when you are focussing on the opposite sex, or petty issues of cultural difference, or negativity. Improve yourself by seeing and understanding the world is bigger than your problems.' -me.

always love.

Insight

During meditation for the last few months, I have had a recurring thought that I should contact my mother. I have not acted on that thought for several reasons. One, I have had my mind full of other, more pressing issues, I will refer to as my precious attachments. Two, I have failed to see the relevence of what opening this door could possibly do to lift the veils of delusion of my present dilemmas.



I have, in the last few weeks, been gaining awareness into making myself happy, no matter what. It has consisted of committing to myself, my meditation practice, and repatterning my behaviors. I think a more appropriate estimate would be to say I have been working towards this awareness for the last 17 months, diligently. I made progress in learning about myself with the twelve steps and Zen path for the first seven months and then left all that, leaping into unfamiliar territory, in more ways than one. Then the universe decided that I should learn about love and was asked to face my fears. Where did these fears come from? What were they? What was loving like? Why was I so attached to making someone else happy? Why could I not just be me? Who was me? Why was I dependent on seeking? Why couldn't I just be cool, damn it? Why was this my weakest link?



The blinders had been lifted and I no longer was able to see other people as objects for me to act out on or subtley manipulate to get my needs met. I just wanted to know what I did not know. So I went into this mind/body silence. As my old thoughts came, I learned (and am still learning) to let them go but, no new thoughts came to replace them. Why was this? Things were happening all around me and I wanted to act on them, wanted so much to be a part of the life and mystery that was floating in my bubble, but I couldn't. I couldn't speak. I could only watch life as a spectator while my mind formed new opinions about the dynamics of relationship.I realize now, it had to be that way. I had to see, had to be shown, and in so seeing, learn. I had to use my strength to push back everything I had held to be true, and swim against the stream, not knowing why.



I have been a busy bee, changing my belief system, and its one step forward and two steps back but I continue because it is my purpose to do so, to see love in all its distressing disguises. So, today, during meditation, again the thought surfaced to contact my mother. My practice lately has been to listen to myself and immediately act on behalf of my inner-world, and in doing so, open to the absolute and trust myself to be without armor. I acted today. I allowed the thought to come to the surface and be recognized as a key to unlocking my capacity to love. Pushing through the resistance, I opened my notebook and wrote a one page letter. What I wrote didn't matter, as soon as I was finished, waves of sensations came over me. Not to be dramatic but it felt like I was going to pass out. Hours later, I still feel waves of release that come from my stomach.



This is the way things really are: I can't have a connection with any other human being on a deep level, if I cannot forgive another one. I am loving the same person, I am hurting the same person. The fear and the pain come from within me, and so does the love. I have to go to the source, which is within me, to find the acceptance of this life, as it is. Human beings need my love, even when they have hurt me. It is the way to lasting happiness and it is the purpose of life.

Transitions and Perspectives

Hello,

I see it has been a while...I am in beautiful Etna, CA and I have just started my program for Belize. I have two months and then off through central America for a month. I started spanish class today and my brain is challenged to fit spanish where Portuguese has been occupying for the last few months. No worries, I have Brazilian friends here with which to talk to to be able to learn both. My flash cards have two languages on them instead of one so I can just continue and add on.

I spent a few weeks in clothes collection again but it was an amazing experience. There was no heavy work load this time. Line, my friend from MA and leader here in San Fran, started a door to door collection in the bay area, namely Berkeley, CA, where we go door to door leafletting information about who we are and that we'll be coming by in a few days to pick up clothes donations in a van. So I have been passing my days touring the streets of Berkeley for eight hours a day, ( I can get you anywhere in Berkeley), finding the most amazing bungalows and gardens. My days have passed peacefully between the sweet smell of jasmine gardens and bowing to all the Buddha statues I pass. I try to smile and engage everyone I have met along the way.

I have taken pictures with my blackberry,maybe I can upload them here when I get out of the stone age. Anywho, I really enjoyed my time in the Bay. I saw my old friends and went dancing and to art shows and Haight-Ashbury and Goldengate Park and Golden Gate bridge and Chinatown and tresspassing with Kabriele. Line (Lee-na), I miss. We became friends through our passion for positive focussing, and bless her heart for letting me have her car everyday;) We had two Brazilian folks on our team and now they are leaving, so its just me and five Koreans...ohmigosh, it can be too quiet! I feel like a barbarian sometimes because they take thier time and are very gentle and consider things for hours, almost. I am happy to learn from my new teachers how to tread lightly.

We are building a garden from scratch and the first two days I was here, we all worked together to build a fence and move compost and dirt and make mounds. My team today decided we would like to raise some baby chicks, so maybe we'll have a new pet.....um,...what else...oh, I have made myself a studio in the utility closet,its so sweet. Just me and my quotes and drawings. I started giving away my studies. Its taken a hold of me, drawing, I have started seeing in angles and shapes and shading. I have plans for creating my own perfect schooling...

Oh, the school is in a valley, surrounded by moutains. Its so beautiful, I can't believe it when I go running. The backyard is two moutains peaks and yesterday there was the most amazing rainbow between them. I took a picture, so you can see. CCTG is in the middle of town, so you can walk to the library or coffee shop or little theatre or moutains. I see horses everywhere so I'm putting a posting in town to see if I can trade a portrait for riding,I miss riding. Everyone says hello and nods when you walk past, its like Jesup, only there are only 700 people in Etna.

Okay, thats about it for now. I have tons more to talk about but i have work to do.

Tchau!

Amazing Day

Today was the coolest! We took a bus to Union Station and saw Obama swear in and then we spent hours waiting in line to get through to the parade and totally got smashed against the gate but finally got through to the line for the parade and there was Joe Somebody and there was OBAMA!!!!!!! I totally saw him get out of the car and I have pictures and I will post them when I am able. It was so cool! Its all Obama all the time here for the rest of the night and for the next four years.

I'm so tired now so thisis all I can muster to say but it was such an amazing experience, I called Gina and held up the phone so she could here everyone chanting 'yes we can' after Bombs swore in. Anywhoot, amazing, amazing, amazing...g'nite.

...and I"m totally kidding about that Joe guy. I know his last name, its Binder. ;)

Being a part of History

Ohmigod, its so amazing to be here in DC for history! We have the tv on and i'm listening to all the things going on around us right now. I feel very much a part of the change I strive to be in the world, at this moment. I am very proud to have made the choices I have made and am making. .

We are so set for this fundraising trip. We have so many stores, we are having trouble fitting them all in in two weeks. By 'stores', I mean that we stand in front of grocery stores or wal-mart's or Sam's Club's with sign and buckets. We make lots of friends and lots of money and give away lots of lolly pops:) At night, I am working, successfully, at getting us clubs and pubs to make money at where we essentially do the same thing we do at stores except when people drink, they are more generous. Not to worry all you worriers, I am equipped with meetings and support from my team when we have to go out at night. I have sent out a few emails to meet with local artists to see the underground culture here and have had a couple of responses. I am ready to tag things....mmwahahaha.

At the moutain, we just said goodbye to Line, one of the staff and my friend Kabriele has come back from Brasil, and two new teams are about to start, one for Brasil and one for Africa. I love being at the mountain still, with all its drama. I had a roommate for two weeks, Hee-Jin from Korea but she leaves for Zambia the day before we come back from DC with two million dollars (we have it all worked out you see, one dollar from each person here). I will miss her, she and Na Young and Misoeb and I became friends and now they will leave...except MiMi. I have changed my project from Child Aid in Zambia to TCE in Mozambique for one year. It is going to be more difficult and I have accepted this and am doing the work to discipline myself. I am excited to be learning Portuguese again, this was one thing I really wanted to do and have decided to take up French again after Portuguese. I see myself in Parisian territory soon so it will be helpful, but of course not before Ireland:)

George, my portuguese teacher is teaching me how to play the African drum. Josh and I are learning together and having oh-so-much-fun. I'm playing on the steering wheel all the time now and totally messing it up but less and less each day. Drawing is going well, Kabi is showing me things and I am drawing everyday, currently learning about perspective. Ooh, I'm reading a book on how to make documentary films and reality videos so maybe I can film about nessecary things throughout my travels to educate people in amazing and fun ways. I bought a digi camera to start 'documenting'. I will post pictures up on this blog and I hope to get feedback from my fans. JJ, its slowly starting to come together, you would be proud, and its not at all what I thought it would be:)

Umumumumumum, I think this is it for today. Tomorrow is going to be AMAZING!!!!!!!